Blowtorch, serial killers and you

The best weapon for a serial killer is a blowtorch.

Why? Its painful and slow.

Spoilers: One of them is people
Spoilers: One of them is people

I mean, sure, killing people with a chainsaw is buckets of fun, but it just ends so quickly. You grab your chainsaw and you like, pull the string thing or something (never used a chainsaw) and just slice you victim in half. There’s blood everywhere and the guy dies. (I totally don’t know this firsthand) That takes 30 seconds or so. (I swear that’s just a guess please don’t call the cops) Which is definitely efficient, if you’re a serial killer that’s smart with their money and time then go ahead and chainsaw away.

Now that's a smart killer!
Now that’s a smart killer!

But most serial killers don’t spend their time tapping away on a calculator to figure out a sustainable plan for killing people and not getting caught. They’re fucking insane. They enjoy watching people suffer! Serial killers don’t use guns like a normal killer would because it’s way to fast and rational. They use melee like an idiot because they love making people scream and scamper and shit. They don’t do it fast so they can’t run away or call for help, they do it slow so they can run away tripping over random stuff and hide in obvious places and run into dead ends and go into cars that don’t start! That’s the fun part for them!

So a chainsaw can satisfy their thirst for blood and gore, but it doesn’t quite fulfill their lust for pain. You don’t expect someone to be crying for help after their lungs and guts and shit are spilling out from half of their torso.  Also, you can’t quite gently cut their faces with a chainsaw. Unlike a knife, they’re really heavy (reiterating that I’m guessing and I’ve never used a chainsaw on anyone) and tend to go on autopilot once you dig it in flesh (Seriously, don’t bother investigating cos you’re gonna have a bad time). They also need alot of gas if you’re trying to slowly torture someone. (If you come to my house you’re fucking dead. Not because I’ll chainsaw you though. That won’t happen for sure)


However, a blowtorch is amazing at pain. You can either tickle your victim with the tip of the flame or just cremate their ass in minutes. Some are small and easy to hide and some are gigantic, handy for using as a bludgeon in tight situations. It’s a really versatile weapon and it can also either slowly torchure (pun intended) or quickly execute. Your victims will either be either screaming like an little bitch from their burning death or squealing like an actual little bitch from their burning death. Either way, you (if you’re a serial killer) or your inner serial killer (if you’re a normal person, like me, because I’m completely normal, like not-a-serial-killer-normal) will be satisfied. And if you’re up for even more spectacular executions, a can of gasoline pairs extremely well with the blowtorch! You can even set up a makeshift fuse to prolong your victim’s inevitable death or even vandalize with it like batman!

Some men just want to watch the world burn
Some men just want to watch the world burn

So why wait? Order one now before my advertisers pull out!


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